Senator Lee Illustrates Green New Deal Woes Through Satirical Speech

While many hail the Green New Deal as the all-encompassing solution to our environmental woes after reading through the proposed text, the rest of us are left with a single question: “How is this supposed to work?”

Never fear—Senator Mike Lee, R-Utah, had the same question. So, he took to the floor of the United States Senate to address some of the issues of the Green New Deal (and to offer a few solutions of his own). “The aspirations of the proposal have been called radical and extreme,” he commented, “But mostly they are ridiculous.”

Here are a couple of our favorite comments from Sen. Lee:

Looks Like We Can Get Rid of Airplanes After All

Sen. Lee asked, “In a future without air travel, how are people supposed to get around the vast expanses of, say, Alaska during the winter?” An excellent point, to be sure. How are our non-continental friends to the Northwest supposed to travel to the rest of the country if they can’t even travel around their own state?

One word: tauntauns.

If this repto-mammal from the ice planet Hoth was good enough to be transportation for Luke Skywalker in a galaxy far, far away, it certainly could be useful here in the United States. Sen. Lee was quick to point out the unique benefits these animals present:

“Not only are tauntauns carbon-neutral, but according to one report ‘a long time ago’ and ‘far, far away,’ they may even be fully recyclable for their warmth on especially cold nights.”

Screen Shot 2019-04-01 at 5.34.18 PM.png

Sen. Lee also acknowledged that bodies of water could present a roadblock to eliminating planes:

“What about Hawaii, isolated, 2,000 miles out into the Pacific Ocean? Under the Green New Deal’s airplane prohibition, how are they supposed to get to and from the mainland, or maintain their tourism-based economy? At that distance, swimming would be out of the question. And jet skis are notorious gas-guzzlers.”

Don’t worry, he has an answer for this one too: giant seahorses.

Screen Shot 2019-04-01 at 5.34.25 PM.png

Aquaman’s giant steed certainly seems like the best hope for Hawaii right now. However, as Sen. Lee warns, if we aren’t careful we will be facing a giant seahorse gap:

“Now, I’m the first to admit that a massive fleet of giant, trained seahorses would be very cool. But we have no idea about scalability or domestic capacity in this sector. The last thing we want is to ban all airplanes, and only then find out that China or Russia have already established strategic hippocampus programs designed to cut the United States out of the global market.”

That would be a tragedy indeed.

Cows Have Feelings Too

A second issue that Sen. Lee brought up is the idea of eliminating cows in tandem with other Green New Deal changes. Explaining that under such a proposal, the cow population in the United States would drop from 94 million to zero cows, he warned, “You may think I’m exaggerating, Mr. President, but this is no bull.”

Screen Shot 2019-04-01 at 5.34.31 PM.png

Sen. Lee managed to visit some farms when he was back in Utah for a state work period. During this time, he asked cows how they felt about this proposal: “Every cow I talked to said the same thing: Boooooooo.”

In All Seriousness...

Sen. Lee’s satirical speech was commendable. While the cited examples were humorous, his point was driven home later on in the speech:

“The Green New Deal is not a serious policy document because it is not a policy document at all. It’s an aesthetic one. This resolution is not an agenda of solutions. It’s a token of elite tribal identity – and endorsing it, a public act of piety for the chic and woke.”

He is right. We need serious and bipartisan environmental reform, not alarmist and politically driven proposals. The Green New Deal may be the ‘woke’ agenda to support, but the ideas it contains are as realistic as swapping out your Southwest flight for a giant seahorse.

Watch the whole speech here.